He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
