I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
