I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
