Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
