the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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