I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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