We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
