At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
