He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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