I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
