I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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