my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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