At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
