I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
