He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
