I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
