if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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