There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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