im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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