i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
