based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
