I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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