the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
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So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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