I didn't shave. On purpose
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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