Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
