Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
