FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Randomize
