She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
