i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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