So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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