Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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