so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
