I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
