Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
