I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
tell me about the fingering
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
