You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
