Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
