A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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