??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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