Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Randomize
