Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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