I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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