you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
