I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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