We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
