Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
