Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
