"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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