apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
