theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
