Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
