Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
