He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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