Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
