I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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