i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
